As I went to bed last night, I started thinking about why I am not a Christian (Xn). For a while now I have wanted to take the time to write down some of the experiences and touches Jesus has given me since 1985 when I received the holy Ghost. Some of these thoughts have been rolling around in my heart, and as I was driving to Raleigh this morning, I started talking to Jesus about attitude. I asked myself if I really knew why I was here outside of Christianity (Xty). I went back to 1985, when I first began having thoughts about God.

The group I was involved in didn't call themselves Xns because they recognized, to some extent, the confusion in Xty because of the different denominations, water baptism, the trinity, etc. They did believe the devil was the one who did the bad things to people, though.

I started having a dream once or twice a year, from 1985 (when I received the holy Ghost) to June 1997 that God would eventually use to teach me that He, not the devil, was in control of All Things in my life. I opened up my heart to certain ones because I thought they loved me. I was willing to do whatever they told me to do if it would get me closer to God. Later on when my husband Tim and I learned about the corruption and secret immorality going on behind the scenes in The Way International (the Xn denomination we were involved with), we were so sad because we had put out hearts on the line, trusting those who said they knew God and who said they had spiritual authority from God over us and others. We were told if we ever left that group we would be damned because no one but them had been given such light in the Spirit since the first century. We left because we knew their way was not right. They had an arrogance and a hardness about them. We had never been given any kind of standard of holiness to live by, yet Jesus was helping us not to go too far down the path with them. This was just another sect in Xty even though they didn't call themselves Xns. They used cruel doctrines to control their members. But God provided a way of escape for us.

We ended back up in Xty, in the Wesleyan church, thinking maybe we could help someone. But the Wesleyans were NOT interested in the Holy Ghost. The women who were my age were more interested in gossip than in Jesus. I never did have any real conversations with anyone about their experiences in the Lord. They all thought I was strange because I told them I had real experiences with Jesus. They would all go the other way when I tried to tell them what Jesus was teaching me. I felt used because they said they cared, but down deep they really were not interested in my heart. They thought I was strange because I said Jesus had given us a name for a baby we didn't even have. I opened up my heart time and time again, just hoping to feel something back from someone, but there was not anything from them.

That's how we ended up in the Charismatic church. We thought that at least since they had the holy Ghost, there would be some fellowship there with them. There was some fellowship to a degree, but when we told them of some of the experiences Jesus was giving us, they would just stare at us in unbelief. There was one person in particular I opened my heart up to (the assistant pastor's wife) of the things I had been through before receiving the holy Ghost, the things Jesus had used to bring me to repentance, then the hurt I had felt when I found out the secret sin of The Way International and the loneliness of not fitting in with anyone in churches or in the world. Since 1988, except for Tim and Jesus, I had no one I could trust with my real feelings (by now it was 1995). I had opened my heart time after time with people and they all used my feelings against me. I felt like now Jesus had given me a sister in the Lord I could share my feelings with... someone who could open her heart to me, as well. But as months went by, she told me she had been told she couldn't spend time with me anymore because those in leadership said they needed to keep their distance between themselves and their congregation. She told me this as I was leaving her house. I remember standing in her doorway feeling like I had had my heart ripped out of my chest. It hurt so badly & I cried and cried on the way home. It had happened again. I didn't know it was God doing it to teach us the truth about Xty. He knew what He was doing, though.

Tim and I were starting to have questions that those in that church didn't agree with, such as how their "name it & claim it" doctrine would not fit in with a young boy's death. Or why did there had to be a separation between the pastors and the church to the extent you couldn't even visit the pastors? And why wouldn't God let me blame the devil for a miscarriage I had 8 months after Jeremiah was born? And why couldn't we, as faithful members in the body of Christ, get together with others in the church to pray without the pastors being there? And why did they believe in the trinity? And why was there the deep feeling inside that something just wasn't right with that church? Why did they make fun of holiness? Why wasn't anyone ever really real? Why didn't anything bad ever happen to any of them?

As Jesus started asking us these quiet questions, he let Tim meet pastor John Clark, and he was echoing what Jesus was teaching Tim about the trinity. And as I was listening to a tape pastor John had sent Tim, I heard him teach that "the great whore" was Xty. At the same time I had a thought it would be a good idea to read Proverbs at naptime to my 10-month-old baby. I read it for 2 months straight, and during that time, I saw that truth in chapter 7: the whore of Xty. Then we realized it was Jesus teaching us again!

We came out of Xty Dec. 25, 1996. The 2nd week of Jan. 1997, while we were watching TBN, Tim and I were asking Jesus if all this we were learning about Xty was really, really true. And the Lord answered us by striking our TV with a bolt of lightening during a snowstorm! Whew!!

When I came to my first meeting in pastor John's house about one week later, I was talking to his wife Barbara and her sister Ellen afterwards and I began to cry because I was afraid. Afraid to open my heart again up to a group of people because of how Xty had hurt me every time I had trusted them in the past. Pastor John then put his arm around my shoulder and asked Jesus to let me know what was real. Up to that point in my whole born again life (Oct. 1985 - Jan. 1997), I had never, ever felt the real love of God from anyone. I could feel the compassion from Jesus that HE would not hurt me and he loved me enough to bring me outside of Xty. One night right after that, I remember telling Jesus while I was standing in my bedroom, in the dark, that if this was really real, I was willing to put all my eggs in the basket one more time... I was willing to open my heart up to people once more. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me be willing! I have been healed up from the inside out by trusting the real Jesus and the real body of Christ.

Jesus also let us learn that it is the spirit of Xty that is cruel. The children of God in Xty are hurting just like I was hurting. And the only way for them to get real relief is to let Jesus love them outside of Xty. He loves His people so much that He has made a way of escape from Xty through humility. He requires we seek him with all our heart & them believe His answer to us to come out. He is very merciful.

The feelings are so good and overwhelming to me. Thank you, Jesus.

Bess

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